Which will prob happen once a month. I prefer to give structure over details because then Jonathan gets to put his own twist on what we do and I love to be surprised. Be clear on how much involvement you want to have. Appreciation guarantees a repeat performance. Find the things he did well and rain so much praise, kisses and thanks he feels like he just bought you your dream castle. Negativity makes men want to avoid doing anything at all, for fear of getting chastised.
Positivity makes men want to give you the moon. Make sense? Tweet it. Why NOT asking for what you want keeps you in body hell. Stay focused on you and finishing your degree congratulations! Also good luck with your son. Giant hugs and sending you a ton of cyber strength. Well said. Teachable, This guy is a nightmare you really need to wake up from. Welcome to BR! Just posting and knowing someone is reading is helpful. We are reading! I didnt though.
Breaking NC will only cause me deep pain. Him ignoring me will only push me bk tto the brink again. What a horrific story! I thought that I would never see the end, and NC was excruciatingly painful. And even after that I had the odd slip up! At the end of the day, you have to go in and rescue yourself.
No-one else is better positioned to. Ok but I do have to admit that I am having a problem with having previously been used and abused, led on, toyed with and maniupulated. I mean is anyone else having a problem with just letting this thing go and watching the AC just dance off into the sunset on to his next victim while we are sitting here broken and hurting?! I guess I am in my anger phase again because a part of me wants to get my dignity back somehow. I want to hurt him back!
Something about all of us women here broken, and working so hard to fix ourselves, and them not having been affected at all is getting to me. I am having the exact same hard time.
As you may have read on the previous page, I found out 3 days ago, that at the same time that my ex AC has told me how inportant i am to his life and how he still loves me, and needs me in his life, he forgot to mention, until i asked him point blank, that he has been seeing someone new for a month now. He told me that he panics when I leave his life two months NC, until i broke it 2 weeks ago becuase he tracked me down and sent me an email but yet I have this nagging feeling that going NC only gets him off the hook, with no messes to clean up.
I understand that going NC is really about doing something good for ourselves, taking a stand. But I really want him to hurt too. I feel your pain Reality. I really do. It means that YOU will have no more messes to clean up and no new pain to deal with. It really is about giving it up, letting it go and focusing entirely on yourself. NC is the medicine that will help YOU recover from the effects of your own poor relationship choices, help you get some boundaries sorted out and improve your self esteem to ensure that you NEVER end up with these types f men in these types of relationships ever again.
The only way through this and out of the other side is to make him history; to make him no longer count — in any way at all. Wow Fearless i love how you summed up the NC rule.
Am glad I helped. I had no idea I was so entrenched in some very unhealthy beliefs and habits. I am forever grateful to Nat and the commentators here people who are complete strangers to me and yet have been of way greater practical help and support than any one I do know! Nat also offers a safe place to weep and wail and get mad! Who else is going to do it?? Yes, this site has been such a savior for me!
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon it! HSN—NC is for us, but also realize that any contact with him is giving him what he wants. He told you he wants you in his life, obviously he does want to keep you around as a FGG.
Reality, Exactly! You expressed the thoughts that I think are a big part of what is keeping me stuck. I just wanted you to know how wholeheartedlyI understand your sentiment. Hey Reality I was going crazy like that a short while ago but 2 things saved me.
One, help from buddhism — nothing is ever permanent, not happiness, not suffering. Keep doing that for a while and the feelings do lift. I could just focus on getting my life back. Hope you find your way out. Good points made. By keeping any kind of contact the obsessing starts again. Indifference takes a long time particularly if the relationship was a long one.
That is why I had to go NC again. After a long time NC I actually thought I could be friends. It was over a year and yes he was good for alot of my relationship but a dog at the end.
My mistake was thinking I was truly over him forever but with him I had way too much hurt. NC gives you your self esteem and your power back. Gee whiz, I wonder why! I waved, said hello and made my escape. An entire month! I think the anger does teach us a lesson. They dance off because they were never really in it in the first place.
But there was really nothing I could do, because had I displayed my angry face, I would have been labelled a needy psycho ex blah blah. Which would have just lumped insult on top of everything! Success to me means self confidence, a full, happy and engaging life, work I love, etc. My life is better as a result and soooo much better than it would have been had he still been in it. It was such a positive, as it made me recognize my patterns of getting involved in useless relationships.
You only win if you let go, putting additional energy into a worthless situation is draining and self defeating. Eloise, good for you! I think that, when all is said and done, you are right: that really the epiphany relationship is a gift because it teaches us so much, and yes my life is so much better after the jolt I got two years ago. The crazy-making men help us get so much together: boundaries, acting on our feelings not just sitting with them in a respectful manner , asserting ourselves in a reasonable manner, and mostly just figuring out that ultimately, we need to look out for number one, first.
So……just broke up last night with my five-month old relationship; this one, this breakup, was so polar opposite from the bad one two years ago that, even though I feel sad, I realize how much I have progressed in both picking better guys and also, just asserting myself early on. We talked for 2 hours, we both got pretty teary and we both agreed that we wish that it was happening but for whatever reason-his commitment issues, mine, or probably, both, and also, our age and our both needing to analyze things too much-something was not fixable.
What our talk revealed was that I am able to shut the door on something that is not working, and that I can trust myself and my feelings. We are going to talk things through again, when we both have some weeks apart, but all in all I feel very sad, but very relieved and very, for lack of better words-triumphant! Thank you, ladies, for all your wise words last post which I responded to after this one went up and Nathalie, for helping me negotiate my way through this jungle called the post-modern dating world:.
If you get in touch with him to tell him how angry you are, or try to teach him a lesson, you will just be giving him another ego boost. Also, these guys are broken. The women on here are working on themselves and figuring things out to have better relationships. Reality: he is not off the hook. You blowing him off, on some level, will get his ego, if nothing else. I promise you.
He is an ass. Reality, it is up to you if you want to feel pain or not. I used to have a friend, she was dating this guy for 5 years, they bought a house few months prior and decorated it. Then he went to China and met a girl there, he brought her to UK.
He informed my friend, that he does not love her anymore and felt like she was his sister, not a girlfriend. I cant even describe how she felt, she was drinking, dating men and still could not forget her ex. My point IS her break up driven her to success, which Eloise mentioned above, my friend done it, so could you and me! I think some of them wish you would disappear and the real sick sadistic ones never let go!
Either way stay away! Sorry for longer post in advance! It hurts far worse when we beat ourselves, then when others hurts us. Depression is a sign your are not treating yourself well.
What is that makes you think your such a bad person so that you deserve being mistreated by others, and far worse, even by YOU? There is one thing you can do: taking your life and your power BACK. Why are you sacrificing your well being in order to make that sociopathic ex of yours happy? Please, stop googling the damn jerk. You already feel so invested that you just hang on by a thread of believing that the investment will pay off.
Sorry, honey, it will not, because it was a bad investment in the first place. It happened to all of us. Why are you afraid to let go of that sick abusive, sociopathic, addicted bastard? The best you can do is to build a solid, stable relationship full of love with yourself first. Why do you keep worrying about his life, his happiness, his rehab, while at the same time harming yourself?
You CAN do it. You fell for this psychopath, because in his sad story you saw your little abused self. And you tried to heal by healing him and making him to love you. No, the guy is severely damaged and just plain evil. He cannot love anyone.
So stop stepping into any sort of a relationship with the…with the sicko who only wishes you worse! Your do know that serial killers have a ton of fans. Stop convincing yourself that you love him! I know, because I did the same thing by convincing myself that I loved the psycho who raped me.
I was basically just giving him the excuse to keep abusing me. You cannot love someone who hurts you all the time. And you actually put up with his abuse and your fantasizing about him, only because he treats you so bad. Stop the circle, you have the power to do so! So, the psycho tried to incite you suicide?!!! God dammit woman, pull yourself together! Ditch the jerk for good! Please, stick to yourself by not letting him contact you! But YOU deserve your love.
Of course the psychos LOVE to mess up with accomplished women. They choose the good, warm, smart women with low self esteem. Sorry, but you have very low self esteem. But, you know what? And no one can do this except you. Start healing yourself by walking off from the psycho for good. Aint that the truth. This statement of fact will be added to my daily positive self talk. Teachable Its time to give yourself all the love and care you gave to him.
You clearly have love in abudance so start to sooth yourself with it. The men who act like this ,act like this will all women. The way they treat one woman is the way they will trea all ,if not in the begining then certainly by the end. They damage so many people. NC has been good for those reasons.
Pam — I think so, too. My last guy moved quickly to find a new gal. My guy friend says, damn, that guy is a real charmer- yup. I just feel sorry for the next gal s. I have not been inclined to date again yet for I have some rethinking to do plus I am really busy with work.
My next strategy will be to not be so willing to believe words no matter how authentic they seem — to listen more closely to my gut — to take time to get to know whether his actions follow his words — and no more pedestals or getting too comfortable and available too quickly. Your saying you will listen to your gut more closely strikes a chord. Long story but broke up with UEM about six weeks ago. He refused to answer my calls but posted on FB and twitter about my underwear and our relationship, all of which I ignored.
Then he sent me obscene texts so I emailed and suggested we meet in a couple of months to talk — he told me I was dumped and my stuff was in his garage. We agreed his town because I was staying overnight with a friend there, which he knew.
And we were supposed to be having a frank and open conversation later that morning 30 miles away! No really? I called the police again. No apology for entering my home. I can feel myself softening, then I have to remind myself — even before…. Obscene texts!
Posting nasty stuff about you on facebook! Setting up a time to talk and then, once you are out of the way, letting himself into our house and gong through your email! Flowers and a card and we can still work it out! Creepy obsessive controlling stalker. Not love.
This man is dangerous. End it now and stop letting him jerk you around. Stupidly, I flew past these red signals and tried to get a date. TOA, I think this falls into the broader category of inappropriate behaviour.
And it was very disappointing because I did fancy them before. I even received some pics of an erection — which was a bit odd. Are they sick or what? No date required! The others said it well, but truly, this guy is beyond fucked up.
Please change your locks and stay clear of him. Sending flowers means nothing after breaking into your home, hacking into your email, sending obscene texts and posting inappropriate information on facebook.
Faith, wow, that is really a creepy tale. His behavior is way off the grid. My brother had an ex girlfriend that did really weird things like that and it escalated to frightening things. When I was away on a research trip last year, the guy I had sublet a room from got weird on me and I let some authorities know; he too left flowers and called after he had been told, in writing, that he was not to make contact with me.
The flowers and calls after that just made me more alarmed, as they should you. Let the police know that he has continued to attempt contact, so that they have a record, and for your part, avoid all contact with this person. Once when he was in town last minute, and I refused to see him, he wanted to take her out on his own. To treat her well and to treat me well in front of her?
How did he plan to explain himself? Is that nuts or what? So true! It is messed up, any way you slice it! A hook, just a hook. But, it was odd because he was not introducing me to anyone in his life friends, family …. I did not introduce him, and it irritated me….. It seems like another form of future faking in a way too. He would always make these grand statements about the future, yet in the present, where was the progression?
I has my suspictions I must admit , but again in retospect.. I realise now ,what kept me stuck was my wanting validation …I never got it …but the way he deceived me into being involved with him again on the last occassion of involvement is the one that was the worse. I think he was probably stringing another woman along as well. Anyhow, I do believe there are good men out there. And if I met one of those , I would be very much more aware of flashing signs , and cut it off straight away.
This was another factor in what happened , because he was a liar , and yet has the ability to sound genuine. I realised at the end , he has an almost total lack of conscience , and any real feelings for others.
Pam, your text could describe a lot of aspects of my guy, too — though I was only involved with this one for 3 months. I would also call that narcissistic behavior. No idea how guys can seem so authentic on one level, but are such uncaring people underneath. It must be a long standing way of being. A very manicured front to hide the dysfunction underneath. I have been experiencing this too!! Like how did this happen? I am usually so keen on these things.
But when it came to myself, in my own time of need, I truly let myself down. I just feel like I need justice somehow. Basically I want to be karma for a day!
Yep, I still get those flashes of white-hot anger at times. Today, for example, I was in the shower, and started ruminating, and got all fired up. Failing anything productive, there are always pillows to be punched.
Outrageous, huh! There are even some remedies such as wearing a piece of black onyx for 7 days in the pants, preferably during the monthly period, and then putting it into the ground to break the energetic bond.
Voodoo, nonsense, panacea, may be, whatever works! I tried this thing with the onyx once and really felt better immediately, it felt like the obsession stopped. I was so comprehensively and completely destroyed that I needed sessions every week while going through this stage, sometimes twice a week!
Plus, go light on whatever we know is not good for the liver, such as drinks. Oh, and totally expect to see a difference in terms of belt size. This could have been written TO me, about me. I let that married man twist me in a million different inhuman ways over the last few years, and I took every single blow he dealt. I knew the rules. I MADE the rules. He came to me in the beginning, begging for my attention, my time. Then somehow, over the course of the affair, I started feeling trapped and needy, thinking of him when I should not.
I held back those feelings, but naturally he sensed my need and that gave him power over me. Power that he abused every way possible. He would set up dates, meetings for sex really, then he would not show up. Or would call with a flimsy excuse at the last minute. I took this crap! He would text me if he had a free block of time from the pitiful wife who I feel so sorry for now , and expect me to meet him — wherever, whenever. I never said no. Not one time. I once drove miles one way to spend two nights with him.
The more I disrespected my own worth, the more he took advantage of me. Each needy text, every needy call, proved to him that I was worth nothing and he treated me as such. He even started disrespecting me physically, with out of control rough sex.
I took that too. Then one day his wife found out and that was the best day of my life. He told her a million lies about me. I valued myself so little that I let him treat me like that, and that is the hardest part to deal with.
I LET it happen. WantingMore, maybe you could take a look at the LAA proboards, there are many testimonies like yours on there. You talk about an addiction to this guy, it seems in many cases these toxic relationships do operate as an addiction inside your mind, and at LAA they use methods to get out of that state and have a full recovery. Hope that helps. WantingMore, I think my first post on BR was so similar to yours, when I read what you wrote, I thought it was one of my prior comments.
You articulated precisely how my affair with the MM started. I signed up to play, thinking I could call the shots. What a shocker when I ended up at his beck and call, twisted into a pretzel, begging for crumbs, and overlooking major disappointments as you describe. Natalie does a wonderful job of describing this phenomenon in her book Mr. U and the FBG. I strongly recommend this book and her new Dreamer book.
After so many disappointments too many to list , I broke it off about every other week only to sign back up for more of his crap. I was on ice, waiting to see if he could get free from his wife. Perhaps your disappointment shows itself as sadness. Or maybe it manifests as anger at your partner or at the world for bringing these circumstances into your life.
Is shame a big part of your disappointment? Do you feel ashamed because of the state of your relationship and how the outside world views it and you? Identifying the precise mix of emotions that you feel is important. If you want to be happy in your relationship, you will need to address each of them. And while you might be able to deal with many of them through the same means, others might require more specific action to target that particular emotion.
If your disappointment relates to a specific thing that your partner did, there is wisdom in asking why they might have done it. Using your empathy to help explain not justify their behavior can give you an understanding that helps combat your disappointment. In order to deal with your feelings, you should go through as many of the following steps as you can. Each one will help you to work through the disappointment and reach a point of clarity about your relationship.
You can either speak to them by yourself to help you deal with the disappointment you feel, or you can encourage your partner to join you in couples counseling or both. If you feel like this would benefit you and your relationship, why not connect with one of the experts from Relationship Hero.
You can chat via phone or video and explain your situation. Click here to speak to someone. There will never be a better time to start than right now. In order to be disappointed by someone or something, you need to be able to compare it to an alternate, ideal outcome. Or they should have realized that you were feeling down and tried to cheer you up instead of acting as if nothing was wrong. You might even think that your relationship should have made you feel happy all the time, rather than the highs and lows you are experiencing.
So ask yourself whether your expectations of the situation were realistic. Maybe your expectations were too high. Perhaps the outcome was more reasonable than it seems and you could be content with it if you could stop thinking that your way is the only way. The same goes for the relationship as a whole. Are you putting too much pressure on it to solve your problems and make you happy?
Can any relationship ever really live up to these ideals? Of course, some behaviors ought not to be accepted or expected. In these instances, you have to approach the situation in other ways…. If a man has no intention of committing, then he has no right to date a relationship girl. At some point, enough will be enough. I can only take so much BS before I throw in the towel. My life is happier when my love life is non-existent.
How am I supposed to be enthusiastic about dating when dating makes me so damn miserable? I wish I could keep looking at the glass as half full. After everything, though, this screwed up glass feels half empty. There are so many fish in the sea, but too many of those fish are total jerks. So tell me again: why should I be optimistic? Maybe I need a break from dating.
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